was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
