just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
