i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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