Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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