Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You took a bar mat shot.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
