walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She needs sedatives and a leash
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
