Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
