i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
