Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
