the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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