that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
