I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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