one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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