somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
