When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
