There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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