i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
