how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
