Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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