please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
