It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
