you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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