its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Randomize
