I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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