Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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