i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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