Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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