The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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