I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
cat food counts as protein by the way
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
