Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
