Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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