why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
