if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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