I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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