i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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