Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
