you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
