Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
