nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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