I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
