apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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