y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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