So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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