Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
