just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
