New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
