I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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