2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
