Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
