I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
