Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
