Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
