I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
