my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im six kinds of drunk right now
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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