Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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