Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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