i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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