is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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